Channel Surfing
by Deedlit MagicFayal Wood
Summary: Ever wish you could change the channel and give your teacher some more interesting qualaties? The Weasley twins have done it, poor Snape. Language and general stupidity warnings. Dumbledore's at it in chapter 4! And he even got Filch!
1. Channel Surfing

Channel Surfing by:Deedlit Magic  
  
Seamus Finnigan sat on his bed trying to do his best at the Potions problem he was given. Ron Weasley was trying to figure his out also. "Hey Seamus, what is this thing?" His mind had wandered and he was looking through Seamus's Muggle items.   
  
"Oh it's a remote...It um...You remember the Omniocculars? Well, it works with a device that kind of is like Omniocculars. It records things people do and plays it back and this changes the things you are watching." He tried to explain. Ron wasn't brilliant when it came to science. "I don't know how it got in my trunk. I just found it."  
  
"Oh. So it changes what people do?" He got an evil look. "Can I borrow this, thanks, see you later, I've just remembered something I have to do!" He dashed out of the room.  
  
"No it doesn't...Sure, what ever. You are the one who's going to have to face Snape." He went back to his work after telling the empty room his thoughts.  
  
Meanwhile Ron was heading for his brothers. He explained what it did...What he thought it did and they more then happily agreed to make it work in the wizarding world.  
  
The next morning Ron, Harry, and Hermione went to Potions and sat down. "Mister Weasley, your paper please?"  
Ron pointed the remote at Snape and pushed a button. Snape blinked for a moment, then went back to the front of the room. "Okay everybody!" He said it in the most cheerful, perky voice known to man. Everyone went stiff, and stared at him. He tossed off his robes and stood in spandex.  
  
"Remember, yes you can! Now everyone get out your potions and reach and back! Now jog in place."  
  
"What the bloody hell?!?" Seamus blinked.  
  
Hermione had turned to Ron. "What did you do? Richard Simmons?!? Are you crazy?"  
  
"Who?" Ron grinned.  
  
"A Muggle exercise coach. Listen Ron, you better change him back."  
  
Harry had about died from the horrible view. "Gross, at least make him put back on his cloths."  
  
"No!" One of the Slytherin girls protested.  
  
There was a mad scuffle and suddenly Snape was hollering. They all froze. "Blimey, these Hogwarts Students are sure active. Note how the males struggle to assert themselves over the females and one another." Snape was wearing a black safari outfit. He seized Malfoy by the ankle and was pointing to various items of his apparel. "You can tell this feisty little devil is a male because of the pants and shoes. You can also distinguish which pride he is in by the striped markings on his belly and around his neck. Crikey!"  
  
Meanwhile Malfoy way yelling. "Let me go! Professor?! Help!"  
  
Finally someone managed to stop laughing enough to push a button. Steve Erwin was replaced by Emril Legosi. Draco was dropped and the teacher was suddenly wearing an apron over his robes. "Let's kick it up a notch!" He grabbed a cauldron and began putting things in it while telling them chickens didn't come spiced and such. It was odd, but they all settled down and watched in fascination. He got them to yell BAM as he spiced the dish. "And there we have it, a chicken soup guaranteed to keep any cold at bay!"  
  
They all had a bowl, which was pretty good and then pushed a button again. Snape was back to normal. "Give me that!" He lunged for Weasley and Parkins who scattered. The bell rang and they took off running.  
  
They managed to avoid him until lunch, but he wasn't there. No, the real confrontation was at dinner. When they walked in, Snape was sitting at the head table, but he stood immediately. Ron changed his channel real fast.  
  
Snape suddenly was wearing a hat and tails. He leapt up on the table and danced around, singing "I'm singing in the rain" and kicking things off the table as he went.  
  
The whole room was in an uproar. Dumbledore was doubled over laughing and only McGonagall had a strait face.  
  
"Thank you Severus, that WILL do." McGonagall told Snape in a shrill voice.   
  
"If you feel we need dinner entertainment, let the ghosts do it!"  
Finally Dumbledore magicked Snape's serenade to an end and the remote from Ron. He pocketed it with a boyish grin.  
  
Well, finally the jokes died down and the remote was forgotten. Ok, so it was still something every student wanted his or her hands on. Not only had it caused much entertainment, it had shown more possibilities then any other antic the twins had ever created. And horror of all horrors they found another one.  
  
Not only did they find it with out aid, they found it in Filtch's office, presumably taken from a student for one reason or the other. Well, they fixed it up right and in the next class Snape got it. He was droning on about irresponsibility, then he burst out with a feminine high voice. "Ruby Rod here coming at you live from five to seven Tuesday through Saturday. This is the greenest show this side of the Milky Way. Oh my god I am so excited to be here, I've never been in a dungeon before and.." The cauldron on Crabbe's desk went flying. "Oh my god Corby my man, this aint right, I mean I don't feel right..." He noted his sleeve was on fire. "Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" He went running around the room screaming his head off shrilly. He stopped to catch his breath then started up again. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"  
  
Students watched him run around the room screaming his head off. "Should we put him out?" George asked with a grin.  
  
"I suppose." Fred shrugged and they cast a water spell on him.  
  
"Oh my god, this is Ruby Rod, still alive..." He passed out.  
  
They pushed a button and he picked up his head weakly. "For dry eyes try clear eyes, it relieves redness and has an ingredient to moisturize...wow." He passed out again.  
  
"Push it again Fred!" Lee urged.  
  
Snape sprang us off the floor. "Hup! Whoa mama!"  
  
McGonagall came into the room. "Severus, I was wondering if..."  
  
"Hey there pretty lady." Snape put his arm around her. "How bout a kiss?"  
  
She slapped him so hard he colided with the wall about five feet away. "Severus Snape! What in the Bloody Hell is wrong with you?!?!"  
  
They mashed a button and Snape blinked at her. "Err, sorry about that Minerva, I have some students to maim if you will excuse me." He lunged at George. Fred remoted him. "Let me at 'em I'll fillet 'em!" He sounded like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz.  
  
"Weasley! Put him back this instant!!!"  
  
"I can't." He shrugged, he pushed the button again.   
  
"Deedee, you are stupid! Get out of my Laboratory!"  
  
"Mister Weasley!" McGonagall lunged for him. The remote got her.   
"Hehehe, Dexter, you're so funny! Lalalala I'm a ballerina!" She did a twirl.  
  
"Make it stop!" Someone whimpered.  
  
"Trying!" The twins chimed as they tried putting in numbers.   
  
"Awe, look at them all Misty, I bet I can catch more Poke'mon then you." Snape sounded like a little kid.  
  
"Ha! If anyone can catch these Gryffindors and Slytherins it's gonna be me, Ash!" Both of them pulled out red and white balls and began pelting the classroom with them.  
Some students disappeared into balls, others got knocked out or bruised. The absolute chaos was amazing as students ran for their lives.  
"This is boring, lets go hunt down some Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs!" Snape SKIPPED!?! Out the door and into the hall.  
  
"Give me that!" A Slytherin snatched at the remote. All he managed was shattering it on the floor and zapping the twins.  
  
"Prepare for trouble" Fred grinned.  
  
"And make it double" George smiled.  
  
"To protect the world from devastation." Fred continued.  
  
"To unite all people with in our nation." George echoed.  
  
"To defeat the powers of truth and love."  
  
"To extend our reach to the stars above."  
  
"Jessie." Fred proclaimed.  
  
"James." George struck a pose.  
  
The two finished together. "Team rocket blast of at the speed of light, surrender now or prepare to fight."  
  
"Meowth, that's right!" The Slytherin boy popped up behind them.  
  
Lee Jordan went cross-eyed. "This is so not right..." Perhaps it was the outfit Fred was wearing that disturbed him most. The girls usually wore the miniskirts and tank tops after all. They had run off after the teachers by the time he could think to stop them from doing it.  
  
The carnage was apparent as he glanced around the room. Students helped each other to the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey was overwhelmed with the need of her services.  
  
When Lee made his way down to the great hall Snape was proclaiming, "Pikachu, I chose you!" He cast a ball on the floor and it spit Lavander Brown onto the floor. She began to cry. "Oh no, what's wrong with him?!"  
  
"Ha, amature, watch a real trainer at work. Psyduck, come out!" Neville was dropped on his butt.   
  
"I'm sorry I messed up my transfigurations Professor McGonagall!" He wailed as the room watched on from a safe distance.  
  
"Someone do something, the teachers have gone mental!" Ron looked around.  
  
"Just give us the Pikachu and nobody gets hurt!" Fred growled. This is when Ron discovered just what his brother was wearing and went red.   
Dumbledore appeared from no place in particular and aimed the first remote at them.  
  
"Alfred, to the bat cave." Snape dashed off to his classroom.  
  
"Coming Sir." McGonagall waddled after him.  
  
"Finite Incatatem." Hermione ended the nonsense.  
  
~ THE END ~ 


	2. Remote Revenge

Remote Revenge  
  
"You should be finished by now." The teacher looked up from butchering a paper with red ink. "Now, to complete your potion you must use the preservation charm we went over last week." Snape stood and looked around the room. Most students had a Lavender potion before them simmering away. Longbottom's was billowing red smoke, but he chose to ignore it. He had decided no action was best with that insufferable idiot.   
  
A moment later there was a loud bang. Finnigan sighed as his desk burst into flames. "Stand back, me dad sent me this to put it out." He pulled a mini fire extinguisher from his bag and pulled the pin before pitching it headlong at the flames. He jammed his fingers in his ears and winced as several students dove for cover. The metal clanged loudly on the edge of the desk.  
  
"Honestly Seamus!" Hermione picked it up from it's final destination on the floor near her desk. She pointed the nozel at the fire and squeezed the lever. White fluff covered the desk and snuffed out the blaze. "Have you never heard of instructions?"  
  
"More to the point, have you ever heard of speech therapy?" Snape was looming before the young man. "If you ever managed to say a spell properly it may just work for you. Clean up this mess. Twenty points from Gryffindor for being good for nothing, stupid, incapable, and talentless dunderhead."  
  
"You can't do that!" Weasley protested.  
  
"And a detention for you and your friends." He said coolly. "Granger, Potter, Longbottom, Finnigan, you can join Mister Weasley in dusting the library by hand after classes end. This is all you will be doing in your free time until the library is spotless. Everyone is to bottle their potion and leave. HURRY UP!"  
  
  
  
Snape stalked darkly up the dark corridors. "Peppermint Humbugs." The words uttered were so riddled with contempt that they were un recognise able as the password and he was forced to repeat himself through clenched teeth. Finally the statue saw fit to give him admittance. He ascended to Dumbledore's office with a slouching posture he would have normally taken points off of a student for having.   
  
"Albus, I am..." His usually tall and proud figure was absent from the chair behind the desk. He glanced around the room but found only Fawkes who looked at him in an infuriatingly knowing manner.  
  
Turning his back on the Phoenix he searched Dumbledore's desk, checking for clues as to his whereabouts. The normal stationary, self inking emerald green quill, and a jar of muggle Jelly beans were all that were sitting there as normal, every thing...aside for a long slender black box. The kind that gave him a tick in his eyebrow.  
  
The grey and red buttoned person changer sat beckoning to him. Dark eyes glitter with maniacal pleasure. The head master wouldn't mind him giving Potter and Wealey some lessons in humility and respect. He probably had set it up for him to find, in that little way he does.  
  
As he reasoned to himself the charmed Muggle artifact found its way into the pocket of his robes. He left, feeling imencely calmer and almost had a smile twinging at the corner of his mouth as Hufflepuffs scattered when he walked down the hall to his private chambers.  
  
Oh he would wait until he had them together. Public humiliation...Yes...  
  
Harry and Draco got into it over something Snape could not have cared less about when he lost his patience. Whipping out the controller he pushed a button and the sight had been amazing. The childish fight turned into something beyond his understanding.  
  
Draco caught the look Snape was giving him. He yelped something that sounded Zoiks, what ever that meant, and leapt into Harry's arms. Harry took off running out the door and Hermione and Ron had chased after them.  
  
Snape came after them.  
  
"Ruto Raggy Rape's afer us!" Harry looked at Draco with wide eyes.  
  
"Like Zoiks. Let's make a run for it Scoob." He turned and ran, Harry following on all fours. The famous boy who lived tripped on his robes and the two went crashing into the wall. It opened upon impact and they disappeared in to the darkness.  
  
"Jinkies." Hermione piped up. "A secret passage."  
  
"Hermione, are you OK?" Ron frowned. "He got you too, didn't he?"  
  
"Come on Fred, I bet this leads to Dumbledore's office."  
  
"Oh goodie." Ron followed quickly before Snape could catch up with him. "I'm Ron though. Fred's my brother..."  
  
Well as it turned out it didn't lead to Dumbledore's office. It led to the trophy room were Snape was waiting to pry them apart and get Malfoy back to his normal obnoxiousness. Unfortunately he and Potter were clinging together tighter then those couples he chased out of the rose bushes at the proms.  
  
He shrugged and clicked the remote. Disturbing as it was, it became more so and nearly funny as they, Ron now included, began running around saying things like "Lala" "Po!" "Group hug!" and other such nauseating things. It was also odd that their robes had changed to purple, red, green, and yellow...But perhaps it was the fact that Draco was carrying a purse that disturbed him the most.  
  
He quickly beamed in another personality. "Captain, I've ne'er seen the likes of it. Where are we?"  
  
"I...Don't know--Scotty. Per-hap-s WE are on, anothER plan-it." Draco began speaking like he was having trouble thinking, but had he been a Muggle he would have known William Shatner's speech anywhere.  
  
"Captain, I suggest we set our phasers to stun for it is a logical assumption that we will run into life forms that might be hostile." Hermione informed them, taking out her wand. Her ears were pointy?  
  
"THA-nk you...SPoc-k." Draco sounded more bored then normal. "Chekhov, Sulu, keep YO-ur eyes...peeled."  
  
"Captain, vhere do ve go first?" Harry asked. "This passage looks wery velcoming."  
  
"Boring." Snape clicked the button again.  
  
Hermione put her wand away and looked at Harry with big mooning eyes. "John!"  
  
"Marsha!" He clasp his hands over hers.  
  
"John!"  
  
"Marsha...Come, run away with me to the Bahamas and we will get married on the beach." He was looking cheesily intense.  
  
"John, I can not...I love another!" She pulled away. "While you were at work I met someone." She pulled Ron over.  
  
"Julio? The pool boy! I thought it was weird that he was coming around in December." He frowned to himself.  
  
"I'm sorry John, but it's over!" She kissed Ron passionately, Snape's jaw hit the floor. This was new.  
  
"It's been over for a long time Marsha. All those long hours at work weren't spent filing paperwork, it was spent with my boss Tom." Draco sauntered up and slipped an arm around his waist.  
  
"I knew you were in the closet!"  
  
"I never did it in the closet." Harry replied saucally before kissing Draco intimately.  
  
This wasn't good. Snape mashed the button.  
  
"Good bye John."  
  
"Aren't you gone yet Marsha?" He looked at Hermione annoidly.  
  
"Stop it!" Snape punched another button frantically.  
  
There was no response besides more necking on Draco and Harry's part and Hermione walking off with Ron's hand on her butt. He was shaking it, Dumbledore wouldn't like this. "Work damn it."  
  
"Sir, your batteries are dead." Seamus came walking down the hall. "Hum, always wondered what they really had between them. Here, take these." He fished in his bag and pulled out two copper tops.  
  
It took two minutes longer then he would have enjoyed to get the battery things into the back of the remote and toss away the old ones. When he turned back to where the two boys had been they were gone. "Crap..."  
  
He dashed down the hall and noticed students filing into the great hall. The four stood in the middle of the sea of students fighting about who-cares-what. With out thinking he pointed and his finger came down on the little pad.  
  
Suddenly the room erupted in chaos. Lee Jordan stood up in the middle of the table and began calling things out loudly. "Step right up, step right up! See the most curious things on earth! Rare double headed double bodied twins. A brain with a girl's body. The worlds stupidest lackies! A colossal find!" He gestured to the twins, Hermione, and Draco's friends.  
  
He mashed the button again and someone yelled food fight... Mashed potato and gravy dripping from his nose and cranberry sauce splattered in his hair he stared at the Head master. Peas bounced off his chest. "Oh dear..." Even MacGonagall was participating. He had no idea if this was going to get worse as he pushed the buttons.  
  
Harry and Draco were busy gaging and spitting as soon as the curse was lifted. "Severus, I suggest you explain yourself this instant." McGonagall gave him her best "You are dead" face.  
  
"Um..." He stood silently thinking of something to say. "April fools!"  
  
~THE END~ 


	3. Calculated Assault

Calculated Assault  
  
Dumbledore thought it was a hilarious April first prank...Though Snape figured he was roped into it in one of Albus's little subtle ways. Draco and Harry had ceased even acknowledging each other's existences which made for a dull but more controlled class.  
  
That class, but unfortunately he was in the midst of teaching another with Weasley double trouble. They were sitting in the back corner whispering conspiringly. "Misters Weasley and Weasley, do you have something to share with the rest of the class?"  
  
"No sir!" Perfectly chimed in unison.  
  
"Then get back to work." He glowered.  
  
  
"I saw Hermione had something like that Changer thing. Can you imagine her holding out on us?" Fred whispered to George. They were practically useless through out class, but since that was by no means abnormal for them Snape only had a slight unease as he watched them fumble through.  
  
"Let's go get it!" George raced his twin to the tower and tossed his books on his bed. The two of them raced out of the room, down the steps, and to Hermione who was sitting by the fire doing Arithmancy.  
  
"Hullo!" The boys spoke together.  
  
"What are you two up to?" Hermione was seldom approached by the two of them.  
  
"Your remote, can we see it?" George asked politely.  
  
"I don't have one and I would not give it to you if I did!" She looked remarkably like McGonagall when she frowned like that.  
  
"Well, thanks Herm, we'll be off now." Fred began inching away.  
  
"But we haven't..." George began to protest, then changed his mind. "Right, we've got that thing." And they both dashed off, leaving Hermione with a puzzled expression.  
  
"Wait a minute, my calculator!" She stood up abruptly, showering the floor with papers and a disgruntled ginger cat. "Sorry Crookshanks!" She called over her shoulder as she raced after the boys out of the common room through the painting of the fat lady who was calling after the boys to close her back.  
  
"Stop running!" She heard Professor Snape hiss and Professor McGonagall screech up ahead.  
  
Snape's voice continued in a truly horrific neritive. "Hello, I'm Jerry and today on my show we will meet Harry, who just for breathing is worshiped the world over. In this exclusive interview we will meet with him, his all ways present friends and his tough-talking stripper/dominatrix bastard half sister, Millicent Bulstrode. James' wife had a secret desire to be controlled...Find out her fantasy boyfriend after this commercial brake."  
  
Even before Snape shut his mouth McGonagall had gone off as well. "Welcome to Ophra, today's show focuses on incredible stories of forgiveness. Could you forgive the person who attacked you and left you to die? More importantly could you forgive them if you were their lover? After surviving some of the most terrifying crimes, these astounding few found ways to forgive. While others sadly take it to the grave. Join me in a journey of forgiveness and healing."   
  
"Oh God Fred, change them and fast!" George demanded as Hermione came around the corner. They didn't notice her for the suit of armor shielding her from view until it was too late.  
  
"Give me that back, this will only cause more trouble!" Hermione grabbed for the calculator. After a brief struggle they are all wearing mini-skirted sailor costumes in various colors.   
  
Peeves was unlucky enough to pick that moment to appear. McGonagall was wearing a red fuku and heals. "There's that ghost, let's get him! MARS FIRE IGNIGHT!" She shot a bolt of flames at Peeves from her wand.   
  
Hermione was wearing light blue. "It didn't seem to have any effect...I'll make a screen while you, Jupiter and you, Venus try." She spoke to George, then Fred respectively. "Mercury bubbles blast!"  
  
"Venus love chain smash!" Fred sent a chain of hearts at the confused poltergeist, accidently stepping on the remote.   
  
His brother began speaking in Japanese. "Jupiter Oak Evolution!"   
  
"Sailor Moon, haiyaku!" Hermione squealed.  
  
"Hai!" Snape nodded in an incredibly high voice. His hairy, slightly bowed legs stuck out unsightly from the navy skirt and thigh high red boots. "Moon tiara stardust!"  
  
Peeves sneezed himself inside out and fell through the floor. "Yata!" George cheered. Then he kicked the remote as he started to walk over and congratulate Snape... "Homer, I'm freaking out here man, where are we?"  
  
Snape looked around and shrugged. "Idono, I'm hungry."  
  
"Homer you just ate." McGonagall frowned at him. "Bart, stop poking that suit of armer." She frowned at George who was nearly bitten by the visor snapping shut suddenly. His yelp was drowned out by Hermione.  
  
"Mom, Maggie's lost her passifier." Fred was crawling around on the floor looking for something.  
  
"Well, help her look for it." McGonagall suggested. "Your father and I are going to look for help. Stay here."  
  
"Marge, I don't want to go." Snape whined as she dragged him down the coradore.  
  
"Dude, what's this?" George snatched the calculator from Fred who had just found it in a dusty corner. "Awe man, it's just a dumb old calculator." He tossed it on the ground.  
  
"Love, you want me to take this one?" Fred got up slowly from the floor, looking predatory. He had gone bleach blond and black leather wearing.  
  
"Nah, I've got it Spike." Hermione was holding her wand awe fully funny. "This vampire looks kind of weak." She lunged at George.  
  
He screamed and ran. "MOOOOOOOMMMMM, Lisa's turned into a homicidal maniac!"  
  
"That's nice dear. Help her find Maggie's passy." In a truly mother tone McGonagall nodded absently.  
  
"Oh lucky us, a whole family of vamps. Looks like a free for all baby." Fred grinned, also holding his wand awkwardly.  
  
Meanwhile...Harry and Ron were supposed to meet up with Hermione, but she hadn't been there, her things were everywhere and the painting hung open.   
  
They were trying to decide which way to go and then they heard George scream.  
  
Hearts pounding they ran down the hall. Ron spotted it first. "A remote, big trouble!"  
  
"But that's not..." Harry frowned. Knowing the twins they probably had decided it was one. "We'd better hurry. Let's go." He palmed the remote and thundered off after the yelling.  
  
"Better try it on one first." Ron suggested so Harry singled out Hermione who was trying to stab George while Fred was pinning him.  
  
Hermione went limp wristed and began to talk strangely. "OK then we will patina the wand with a nice green. Then won't that be nice? Umhum! It's easy, and remember YOU CAN DO IT! I'm Christopher Lowell, that's all the time we have for today. Bye-bye!"   
  
"Well, that's better I guess..." Ron shrugged.  
  
"OK, then I'll do McGonagall." Harry pointed it at her and pushed divide.  
  
"Ricky, what's going on here?" McGonagall cramped on Snape's arm.  
  
"Marge?" He looked at her in confusion.  
  
"Ricky Ricardo! Who's this Marge?" McGonagall jabbed a finger in Snape's chest.  
  
"My wife." Snape shrugged.  
  
"You're having an affair aren't you? Whaaannnnn!" She began to cry. "You've forgotten all about your sweet caring loving wife LUCY!" She continued to sob.  
  
"Just do them all!" Ron was ready to rip his ears off at the horrible noises she was making.  
  
"Today on trading spaces we have a Potions Master who's room is a little to formal for his guest's comfort and a Transfiguration Expert who lacks fashion sense. Now let's get to it." Hermione chirped as Fred and Snape went running off in one direction and George and McGonagall in the other.  
  
"Just great, who do we stop first?" Harry sighed.  
  
"Hermione." Ron pointed at the girl who was lagging behind.  
  
"What took you so long?" What did they expect as her first words, thanks? She snatched her calculator away. "Now, this is a bit more complicated then before, we changed languages and had more then one show at a time."  
  
"We can't just stand here, do you think Snape will let us live if his office is turned pink?" Ron made his characteristic panic face.  
  
"And I thought exams were going to kill me." Harry frowned.  
  
"Honestly, Fred and George are going to be done in for this stunt, not you."   
  
Girl genius began walking towards McGonagall's office. She walked in to find there were Snape was hot glueing Styrofoam packing popcorn to the walls and Fred was painting them gold. The trimmings in the room were all hot pink feather boa... "Finite Incatatem!" Hermione flicked her wand. Nothing happened. "Ahem Finite Incatatem!!!" Still Snape was gluing away.  
  
"I guess this is a little different then before." Harry spoke the very obvious. "Just start pushing buttons."  
  
"Great..." She started with equal. Snape dropped the hot glue gun and lunged at Fred.  
  
Fred took off running, tossing random objects at Snape as he went. "Good, they are back to normal." Ron smiled.  
  
"I don't think so...Fred's gone yellow."  
  
"He's a chicken alright."  
  
"No, canary yellow...Sylvester and Tweedy Bird? Dear God, he's biting your brother on the leg..." Hermione went white.  
  
"Um, I know, hit the off button!" Harry snapped his fingers.  
  
"That's stupid!" Hermione protested.  
  
"It's logical." Harry retorted.  
  
"Fine!" She pushed the little red square and Snape stopped, clamped a hand over his mouth and went running to the men's wash room gagging.  
  
"Agh! I've got rabies!" Fred howled.  
  
"Serves you right." Hermione glowered at him. "You two help him to the hospital wing and I'll go check on McGonagall and George." She set off. As it turned out, Snape had reason to be ill. The ceiling was enchanted to be the full noon day sun twenty four hours a day and there was a wall covered in 3-D igloo sculptures and the rest were un-melting snow. His own sunny meat locker with a full chandelier of 57 crystals.  
  
  
~THE END~ 


	4. Pushing Buttons

*Note, I have watched changing rooms and I love it, but I figured I was writing for an American dominated crowd...but I could be wrong... JKR herself as well as all of Hogwarts is British after all.*  
  
Pushing Buttons  
  
Like sheep to the slaughter Snape allowed himself to be herded into the staff room. Albus was sitting at the head of a table with his normal smug smile on. "Hello Severus, Minerva." He nodded to each in turn. "Ah Rubious have a seat."  
  
"Thank you Professor Dumbledore sir!" The big man sat in an over stuffed love seat.   
  
"Ah, and here is our last, Sibyll, how are you?" The rhinestone covered fruit bat of a Divination teacher swept in and draped on a chair.  
  
"As well as one can be when faced with knowing things that should not have to be anticipated." She reeked of sage and dragons blood incense.  
  
"It has come to my attention that students are getting sick."  
  
"Exams. The are over stressed." McGonagall shook her head.  
  
"Yes, and I fear there is only one coarse of action to take under these extreme circumstances." Dumbledore looked terribly strict as he searched in his robes for something. "A fun mystery for our students.  
  
"Albus, no!" Trelawney shrieked a moment before a remote was pulled from his robes. He pushed a button, pointing it in her direction. "Today on Martha Stewart we are going to uncover the art of Divining. Isn't this exciting?"  
  
Everyone sat around speechless, then Minerva seemed to find her voice. "Albus, do you think it wise?" He replied with clicking her into a new personality. "Whew doggies, this sure is a big castle isn't it Sponge Bob?"  
  
"First we take the tarot cards...this is so exciting...and we lay them out..." Sibyll began laying cards on the table.  
  
Flitwick sighed. "If you really think it is for the best." He waited to be changed. "Now this town isn't big enough for the two of us so I'm a gonna count to three and then if your lily liveried self isn't outta my site I'm a gonna start shoot'en."  
  
"You better not or I'll do some Karate on your head you little varmint." McGonagall began rolling up her sleeve.  
  
"I've never hit a lady, luck for me you ain't one." He hauled off.  
  
"You can tell by this card that...isn't this just so exciting?" Trelawney piped up.  
  
Snape stopped Flitwick Eastwood from decking Minerva, then cursed to him self. She really did deserve it. "Ok, the points go to Ryan in that round. Next I want Ryan and Collin to act out the world's worse dating contestants."  
  
Albus grinned changing a flapper gassed Poppy into Sabrina. "Oh no Salem, what am i going to do? If they find out I turned the neighbor into a lawn gnome I'm history." Her drama was added to everyone else's personal spazing.  
  
Professor Binns looked sagely at the Headmaster. "You can't change me." But to his sudden dismay he was smiling and saying, "Hi, I'm Casper. Want to be friends?"  
  
"Oh great, just what I need. A ghost." Poppy rolled her eyes.  
  
Filch was slowly edging towards the exit. "Argus, your turn." Albus said happily.  
  
"Gorsh I'm scareded. I've never beened in ah castle before with ghostes." He covered his face with his hands. "Is it goneded Phil and Lil? Tommy? Angelica?" He sent wandering off.  
  
Satisfied with the chaos he had unleashed he turned the device on himself and pushed a button. "Bill, Bill! Bill, Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy!" He went running off to set things on fire.  
  
  
  
Students woke up and dressed before filing down the stairs and into the great hall. They all stopped and stared at the sight that met them upon entry. Filch was coloring on the Gryffindor table like a little kid, Dumbledore was setting his hand on fire with alcohol, and Trelawney was decoupaging flowers onto the walls.  
  
"What's going on here?" Percy came striding in looking important. Then his mouth fell open. "Professors?"  
  
"Oh no, they've been changed into Tele characters again." Hermione groaned.  
  
"Fred, George, you've really done it this time." Ron looked at them in amazement. They were really mental.  
  
Simultaneously the Weasley twins denied it. "We didn't do anything."  
  
Snape piped up. "This is a game for everyone called if you know what I mean. If you don't know how to play, that's to bad for you. Collin start off with the phrase 'We didn't do anything' and your setting is um...jail."  
  
"Well, we have to do something...Fast! Binns is actually smiling. It's too creepy!" Longbottom whined clutching Harry's shoulder.  
  
"Boo!" Binns appeared and then giggled flying off humming to himself.  
  
"Ok, let's all split up and find a remote, calculator, or something." Seamus suggested looking around nervously.  
  
"I have this, if you think it will help..." Lavender held out her electronic diary blushing brightly.  
  
"Do the spell." Harry handed it to George. He did it, then winced as he pointed it at Binns. "Here goes."  
  
"Snarf! Liano, where are you going?" Binns hurried after Filch who had just gotten up from the table and taken off running, arms out in front.  
  
They changed Filch. He began American Woman, and was suddenly dressed like Lenny Kravitz. *twitch...maybe too scary?*  
  
Patti began to cry. "Make it stop!"  
  
"Don't worry mayor, we'll save the city of Townsville!" He was wearing all pink and had a ponytail in his now red hair. Before anyone could recover he had run off. "Hurry Bubbles and Buttercup!"  
  
"OK then..." Fred took the remote and hit McGonagall and Pomfrey. McGonagall had blond pigtails and was wearing blue while Pomfrey was wearing green and had short black hair.  
  
"Hey Blossom, wait up!" They ran off also.  
  
"Well, at least they are together." Ron shrugged. "Better get Dumbledore before he gets himself killed."  
  
"Chim chimney chim chimney chim, chim chary a sweeper's as lucky as lucky can be, chim chimney chim chimney chim, chim charoo I does what I likes and I likes what I do." He began to sing.  
  
"Marry Poppins? Er no. Give that here." Hermione grabbed at the pink contraption.   
  
"Welcome Back To Who Want's To Be A Millionaire! I'm you host Regis and our contestant is Philip. Now are you ready to begin?" Dumbledore turned to Ron.  
  
"Guess so." Ron nodded.  
  
"Millionaire? Humph! Great job Granger." Finnigan rolled his eyes.   
  
"D, Cheezits!" Ron said emphatically.  
  
"Correct." Dumbledore nodded.  
  
Next Flitwick was changed. "Thank goodness. I thought I'd be stuck as a barbarian forever." He had a hand to his heart. "Well, carry on."  
  
"Click 'em again or move on." Draco hissed.  
  
"Who asked you?" Hermione grumbled as she changed Snape.  
  
He was perky, wearing spandex, and bouncing around insanely. "Come on every body and lift your leg and squat, lift and squat!" He was clicked to an new persona quickly. "Incompetent fools." He glowered, walking off. "I'll leave it to you. Don't bother me!" He pushed through the doors and was gone.  
  
"Well, at least two are back to normal." Pansy smiled encouragingly.  
  
Little did they know that he was muttering under his breath as he went towards his dungeons. "Robin the Hood." Snape sneered as he stalked down the hall. He stopped before two of his students. "You my room tonight 10:30 and you 10:45...bring a friend..." Then he went stomping off, robes swirling about him.  
  
"Fayal did he just?" A tall Hufflepuff with short brown haired blinked at her curly haired friend.  
  
"Ryn, do we have to change him back? Sheriff of Naughtingham is so cool..." Fayal gazed after him twisting a lock of red hair, then the two girls broke into laughter. "Do you think we'd get detention if we showed up?"  
  
"Are you hoping to see him react? Blush maybe?" Ryn snickered. "Let's go. The Forbidden Forest would be worth it!" They high fived.  
  
"Have you seen Mojo Jojo?" McGonagall ran up and asked them.  
  
"Er...The Great Hall. Right over there." She watched her teacher run off followed by Poppy? AND FILCH?!?! "So, How about the library?" They wandered off.  
  
  
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If you click up my name at the top of the page it will take you to my other stories. If you like humor and romance, try reading Hogwarts Fayal's Seventh Year a HP bk 3 companion. I love the suggestions!  
7. Gillagin's Island   
8. Weakest Link   
4. Dragon Ball Z   
14. Friends  
15. Will & Grace  
16. Bring it on  
17. Trial and error   
MTV's Jackass!   
Disney Channel.   
Lord of the rings!  
Hikaness =the Pencil Show  
1)Power Rangers   
2)Chitty Chitty Bang Bang  
3)Rudolph the red nosed reindeer  
A-Team characters  
Now everyone, feel free to submit your ideas also, so more chapters will come. I will try and use all of your ideas. Let me know if any parts suck. I originally wrote chapter 1 while I was hanging out with "Ryn" while she was at work to cheer her up. I never knew it would be such a hit! 


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